Challenge -
Done by RANDOM SCRIBBLES for SEALGIRL
"An alternate episode, where Queen Zinn chooses Hank to marry her instead of Eric"
= = =
So my Christmas Challenge, set by Sealgirl, was to write an Alternative Episode to Garden Of Zinn where Zinn chooses Hank as a suitor instead of Eric. And quite a challenge it was, too! I ended up deciding to go down the Silly route, so expect lots of daft jokes and cultural references. I apologise if I might have got some of the finer details of the Garden of Zinn episode wrong or muddled. This was more about fun that accuracy with me.
Scribbles
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ALL THE PRETTIEST THINGS
And there they were – her choice of fresh youth, standing in front of her. They had all of them overcome that blasted worm, that idiotic stumbling block that her damned Father had secretly set up. How many would-be suitors had perished or run screaming from it before?
Not enough, darling Daddy, never enough. Some were bound to get through eventually.
Four, in fact, and all blissfully young – their supple, changeable minds and bodies were so easy to manipulate at that age.
She cast her eye over them as she welcomed them Regally, on autopilot. Her lips spoke formally and politely, but her brain was buzzing. She didn’t have long. She would have to make a decision fast, and the one chosen would have to believe that there had been no elimination process, that it had always been him.
Yes… him, not her… the one girl was stunning, a pretty face and a perfect body, and all in the most exotic dark shades. Had she been looking for a new handmaiden to play with, she would have snapped the girl up straight away. But she needed a husband, so the girl would have to go.
The next cut was just as easy. She didn’t trust Wizards, and the one with them was too young besides, just the wrong side of boyhood. She needed to marry straight away, and there was no need to concern herself with an awkward child when there were men on offer.
Now.
Now came the difficult bit.
They were both just about old enough, buds just blossoming. Again, she wished that she was picking playthings instead of a spouse – what with the girl as well she could have made a happy little harem out of these youngsters. But with a husband, there could only be one. Damn it, she was going to have to choose, and fast.
The darker one was the obvious choice – her spies had reported back to her on the personalities of her unknowing suitors, although they needn’t have done. She could tell from the way he held himself that he was proud and petulant, and from the way the gold of her breastplate caught his eye that he would be easily wooed with promises of riches and status. Shiny things. Yes, he would be easy to wed, and easy to bed – he longed to be touched, she could tell that too. So very easy. It was the quickest option, and she knew she didn’t have long…
But then, when did she ever do things the easy way? Where was the challenge in that?
Now the fair one… Now there was a challenge. Perhaps too much of a challenge, considering her timescale. He was so damned Pure! It was etched all over him, in his face, in his eyes, he practically bloody well glowed with it. These were the Dungeon Master’s pupils, were they not? They were supposed to have been ripped from their homes, suffered great hardship, battled Tiamat and Venger… how could one have gone through so much and still retain such purity? Such conscience? Such Morality? It was sickening. Living things weren’t supposed to be like that. Living things grow wild. Lawns needed to be weeded, buds needed to be clipped. And, she reminded herself, all the prettiest docked blossoms in her garden found themselves decorating her bedroom.
Yes. There was a flower she’d like to pluck.
Only she didn’t have time. She was running out of pleasantries. She was going to have to cut to the chase, and chase just one of them. The easy one. It had to be the easy one. This was no time for challenges. The easy one. It would be perfectly good fun ruining him anyway, taking his chastity, his dignity, his self respect, watching the fire slowly die out of those impudent eyes. And then she could always go and get more lovers.
She had made her decision.
‘I have chosen… you.’ She pointed.
‘Me?’
‘Him?’ The dark Cavalier seemed a little hurt that she was not pointing at him.
She wasn’t pointing at him. Now there was a surprise even to her. She met eyes with the fair Ranger at whom her finger was still pointed. He appeared shocked and worried in fairly equal measures at her choice.
‘Me?’ he repeated.
She cleared her throat and forced her hand back to her side. ‘Yes. Of course You.’ She struggled to think of a fast tactic. Offering him gold and a title was never going to work. ‘I knew from the moment I saw you,’ she added falsely, with a shy smile.
The Ranger bit his lip and turned slightly pink. The Cavalier just scowled at the floor.
‘Listen, Your Majesty…’ the Ranger replied, gently, ‘it’s not that I’m not flattered, believe me. You seem…’ he struggled for words. ‘Really nice.’
Zinn winced inwardly at the word ‘Nice’.
‘It’s just that…’
‘You are already married?’ sighed Zinn, starting to get into the swing of her Delicate Flower Act.
‘No! No, I’m not even out of High School yet. And that’s half the…’
‘Betrothed, then?’ interrupted Zinn.
‘I’m not seeing anybody right now to be truthful,’ sighed the Ranger, ‘but that’s not the point…’
‘I see.’ Zinn sank back into her throne, miserably. ‘You find me repulsive.’
‘No…’ The Ranger trailed off, desperately searching for something helpful to say. Zinn caught him appealing to the girl for help out of the corner of his mouth.
‘Hank doesn’t belong in this world,’ added the dark girl, tactfully. ‘None of us do. We’re trying to find our way home, and this isn’t all of us. We left three more behind – one’s really sick, you see…’
Zinn did her best to look surprised and sad. ‘Sick?’
‘Yeah…’ muttered the Cavalier. ‘He’s just a little kid.’
‘A child?’ She asked, concern carefully etched onto her face. ‘Is there anything that I can do…?’
‘Well…’ the Ranger began, but he quickly petered out in embarrassment as she locked eyes with him once more.
‘As a matter of fact there is, Queen Zinn,’ piped the girl again, ‘we were told that you might have the cure.’
‘Of course,’ smiled the Queen sadly in reply. ‘In my garden, no doubt. After all, why else would innocents such as yourselves have come?’
She rose, and began a slow walk towards the gardens. ‘Come.’
-x-
‘Hello? Hi?’ Hank knocked gingerly on the chamber door. He was sure he’d seen Zinn slink in there moments before and shut the door, but now there was no sound behind it. He knocked again.
‘Um. Your Majesty?’ There was still no sound. Hank began to wonder whether his eyes had been playing tricks on him. Still, he awkwardly remained by the door, just in case. ‘We’re gonna make tracks now. We’d stay a while longer, but like we said, Bobby’s real sick, and…’
‘Go,’ came a muffled voice from behind the door. ‘You must put the health of the little one first. Don’t worry about me. Do please go.’
Hank frowned. ‘Queen Zinn? You OK in there?’
‘I will be all right… in time, I am sure. Just go.’
‘Queen Zinn?’ Hank sighed. ‘I just wanted to say Thank You.’
‘You’re most welcome,’ came the other voice.
‘And I’m sorry. I owe you that too. The wedding thing… it was just so out of the blue, I’ve only just met you… I’m… I’m not sure what I can do to put this right…’
There was a brief pause, and then the door opened, suddenly.
‘You can visit!’
‘Huh?’ Hank took a step back, astonished both by Zinn’s sudden appearance and by the tears still blistering her eyes.
‘When the child is better, would you visit? I wouldn’t embarrass you by proposing again, but… but at least you can get to know me a little better… before we part ways.’
‘You’re crying,’ was all Hank could say.
Zinn bowed her head. ‘Forgive me. A Sovereign shouldn’t be seen like this.’
‘I made you cry?’
‘It was not your fault, my love.’
‘I made you cry.’
‘It must happen to you all the time.’
‘I really hurt your feelings, didn’t I?’ Hank sighed again. ‘God, you must think I’m so rude…’
‘Not rude,’ she smiled bravely, ‘just busy. Too busy to worry about the women who become entranced by you.’
She smiled at him, bravely, and then dipped her head again. ‘Goodbye.’
-x-
‘What?!?’
Hank wasn’t sure how to read Diana’s expression. She seemed shocked, as he had expected, but she appeared angry as well, angry and a little disappointed. Wasn’t he doing the right thing? He thought he was. She shook her head slightly, shaking away the frown, but still looked troubled.
‘Hank, Bobby’s real sick…’
‘That’s why you need to go right now.’
‘Without you?’ Diana folded her arms. ‘No way, Hank.’
‘Hey.’ He laid a hand on her shoulder. ‘It’ll be easy. You just retrace your steps from earlier. You’re perfectly capable of leading the others back to Bobby and Sheila. I believe in you.’
‘That’s not what I’m worried about, Hank. It’s her. She’s up to something.’
‘No, Diana.’ Hank lowered his voice. ‘She’s just sad. And lonely. I can’t just leave her like this, not after what she’s done for us.’
Diana shook her head again. ‘Hank, how can a guy like you still know so little about women?’
‘It’ll only be for a couple of days,’ added Hank. ‘Once Bobby’s better, you can all come back to get me and then we can start looking for a way home again.’
‘I just don’t like it, Hank. I don’t like her. I just…’ Diana bit her lip a little. ‘I got a funny feeling about her, that’s all.’
That made Hank smile slightly. ‘That spooky Women’s Intuition of yours playing up again?’
Diana arched an eyebrow. ‘Don’t you start patronising me, ya big lug. “Women’s Intuition”, my ass.’
‘Wouldn’t dream of it, Diana.’ Hank’s expression became serious again. ‘Just… just let me do this, would ya? I feel like I owe it to her.’
‘You don’t owe her Jack,’ replied Diana, stonily. She sighed, softening a little under his gaze. ‘We’ll be back as soon as we can, Hank,’ she conceded. ‘In the meantime… don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. Or anything Eric would do… just take care, OK?’
‘Sure.’ Hank pulled her in for a quick hug before she left. ‘And you.’
-x-
An hour had passed since the others had left, and Hank was starting to wonder whether he’d made the right choice after all. The journey to Zinn’s palace had hardly been free from peril after all. He worried that they’d come across more hostility on their way back. What if they got into trouble – trouble he could have helped them with? What if it slowed them down getting to Bobby… or worse…
His troubled thoughts were disturbed by a polite cough. He looked up. There she was, standing in the doorway – nervously, sadly. She’d changed out of her hard, shining armour and into a simple dress, similar to one that her maids might wear. Hank had to admit to himself, he preferred it. She looked… softer, somehow.
‘Hey, Queen Zinn.’
She shook her head. ‘Just “Zinn”. Please.’ She paused, running a gentle finger over the bud of a climbing rose. ‘When they told me you had stayed behind I didn’t dare believe, or hope…’ she trailed off. ‘You should be with your companions.’
‘No.’ He stood. ‘I wanted to do this. They should be back with us by tomorrow, thanks to your medicine. And this way we get time alone.’
Zinn smiled sweetly.
‘Time alone to say Goodbye,’ finished Hank.
Her smile froze on her face and turned sad. ‘I see.’ She nodded to herself, still toying with the climbing rose. ‘Perhaps then… you might care to join me this evening for dinner? I find “Goodbyes” are so much more civilised that way, don’t you?’
‘Sure. I’ll… um…’ Hank shuffled away in the direction of the sleeping quarters. ‘I’ll go brush up. Make myself a little more… a little more civilised.’
Zinn managed a small, girlish laugh as he awkwardly wandered off, only smirking to herself once he was well out of view. She snapped the bud she’d been coquettishly playing with from its stem and tucked it into her hair.
‘Like candy from a baby,’ she muttered to herself, and merrily glided towards the kitchens.
-x-
Diana felt something cold and sharp nudge against her rib. Snapping out of her thoughts, she glanced to her side, where Eric was now walking in step with her. He elbowed her again.
‘You know, you are allowed to smile even when Golden Boy’s not with us.’
Diana shrugged. ‘I’m just worried.’
‘Oh, I don’t know, we’re wandering through a wilderness where the monsters like to play at being DM, Bobby’s catatonic, Sheila’s with the guy that fell out of the Ugly Tree and hit every branch on the way down and Hank’s decided to stay behind with the stranger who proposed marriage to him. What can there possibly be to worry about?’
‘Just your average regular Tuesday afternoon,’ she half smiled to herself.
‘Actually, today is Wednesday.’ He exchanged a glance with her. ‘I’m still keeping count. Gotta make sure that my Dad doesn’t scrimp on Allowance back-payments once we’re home.’
She shook her head in mock despair. ‘You’ve got a one-track mind.’
‘Hey, I’m not the one who left the gang to take care of the Poor Little Rich Girl and all her shiny, shiny jewels.’
That made her grin widely. ‘Eric Charles Darling Montgomery, I do believe you’re jealous!’
‘Jealous? Me? Of Prince Peroxide?’ Eric blinked, feigning shock. ‘No way! I don’t wanna get tied down by any dame at my age, no matter how stacked she is…’
‘Er-ic!’
‘I meant cash - stacked with cash. True, our outfits kinda matched, that woulda looked pretty cute in the wedding portrait…’
‘You are jealous.’
Eric pressed a finger against his chin. ‘I wonder why you’re so obsessed with me being jealous over another woman…’
Diana narrowed her eyes. ‘Shut up, Eric.’
She clasped her arms behind herself and stretched her spine as she walked. As reluctant as she was to admit it, the Cavalier had lightened her mood, and brought her out of her worrying about Hank. She noticed now that they were almost back at Sorlarz' cave – she could see the opening, off in the distance. They had made good time… too good, really. That strange creature that had tried to misdirect them on the way to the Kingdom of Zinn hadn’t bothered them at all on their return. She supposed she should be glad of course, every second counted when it came to Bobby’s recovery, but her time in The Realm had made her suspicious of anything that appeared too easy.
A pastel-coloured shape had begun to run from the cave towards them. Sheila had obviously spotted her approach. She speeded her pace, as did the other boys, and the Thief was soon within earshot. She called something illegible to them.
‘Sheila!’ Presto waved wildly at her, even though she could obviously see them. ‘We got The Foot Of The Dragon! You’ll never guess, but after all that fuss, it was just a bit off a flower. Everything’s gonna be OK!’
Sheila called out again, but Diana still couldn’t make out the Thief’s words.
‘Say what, Sheila?’
Sheila was practically upon them now, and she slowed to a jog as they met up with her. Her eyes were full of worry, although that was nothing new.
‘I said,’ panted Sheila, ‘Where’s Hank?’
Uh-Oh. Now there was something Diana had failed to contemplate. This could get pretty messy.
‘Don’t panic, Sheila,’ Eric said before Diana could stop him, ‘he’s just staying with Queen Zinn for a while.’
Sheila’s expression of worry crumpled into a frown. ‘Who’s Queen Zinn?’
Yep. This could get very messy indeed.
-x-
Sheila managed to slow her tears a little. The other three adventurers watched her, hopefully. She gasped, steadied herself and wiped her eyes and nose on the edge of her cloak. She managed a brave little smile at Diana. Then she burst into tears again. Silently, Diana mirrored the boys’ weary sighs, but still she gently ran her fingers through the Thief’s hair.
‘Don’t blow your nose on your cape, Sugar,’ Diana cooed. ‘Use Eric’s instead.’
‘Hey!’
Diana glanced up at the indignant Cavalier. ‘Your cape’s not magical.’
‘Maybe not,’ sneered Eric, ‘but it is nice and red. I don’t want her getting her Cooties all over it.’
He turned to the Magician. ‘Presto, these women are getting nasty. How’s it coming with those tissues?’
Presto tossed a magically produced ball of wool over his shoulder. ‘Getting there… kinda…’
‘How can it be difficult, Presto? Three weeks ago that dumb hat spent a whole day comin’ up with nothing but paisley handkerchiefs.’
‘Exactly. I guess it must have ran out.’ Presto dug in the hat again and showed Eric his find. ‘What about this?’
Eric arched an eyebrow. ‘A Cookie Monster sock puppet.’
‘Might cheer her up,’ shrugged Presto.
Eric rolled his eyes, slipping the puppet onto his hand and nudging Sheila with it. Sheila took a long look at the puppet, then grabbed and hugged it to her, hand and all, shuddering with new tears.
‘On my way…’ spluttered Sheila to herself through the tears, ‘ev’rything’s… A-OK…’
‘Great,’ sighed Eric, consigning himself to having a trapped hand for the next hour or so.
‘What I want to know,’ muttered Diana to Presto, ‘is how your hat knows about Sesame Street in the first place…’
‘Sheila,’ came a deeper voice from the mouth of the cave, ‘I have given the medicine to your brother, and… Oh.’
Sorlarz stopped in his tracks, gazing awkwardly at the weeping Thief. ‘Is… is everything all right?’
‘It’ll be fine, Solar,’ Diana told the strange creature, ‘How’s Bobby?’
Sorlarz ignored the Acrobat, choosing instead to shuffle nervously towards Sheila. ‘Why do you cry, Sheila? Can I…’ he reached a hand towards her tear covered chin. ‘Can I comfort you in any way?’
‘Hey!’
Sorlarz jerked his hand away from Sheila at the excited cry, just in time for a tear to drop from her face, missing his skin by millimetres.
‘Hey!’ repeated Presto, delightedly, ‘Jackpot!’ He happily began to pull a long reel of toilet paper from his hat.
‘Why is Sheila crying? Her brother is showing signs of recovery.’
‘Aw, she’s just upset because Queen Zinn proposed to Hank and he agreed he’d stay with her,’ replied Eric.
Sorlarz gasped, clenching his fists. ‘Queen Zinn, you say? Your friend is to… is to marry her?’
His question was met by a squeal of despair from Sheila as the Redhead buried her face into a wad of toilet paper.
‘No,’ soothed Diana, ‘not at all. He only agreed to stay for a day or so because he felt so bad about turning her down. He’s not gonna marry her.’
‘Oh no?’ asked Sorlarz, sceptically.
‘No!’
Sorlarz shook his head. ‘He is young and pure, yes? And he passed the trail of the worm?’
‘Well, technically that was Diana…’ began Presto.
Sorlarz shook his head. ‘She needs to be wed, and fast. She will entrap him. She has… ways…’
‘Oh God,’ wailed Sheila, ‘he’s with a Woman With Ways!’
‘Who’s got Ways?’ Bobby leaned weakly against the wall of the cave. ‘What’s going on? Where’s Hank and why is Sheila hugging the Cookie Monster?’
-x-
There was wine with the dinner. A lot of wine. Strong wine. Hank had tried to politely decline at first, but Zinn had taken that as some sort of personal insult, leaving him with little option. He had drunk, and now, well… he was drunk. Very, very drunk. His mind struggled to swim through the alcohol. He was helped away from the table, through corridors glimmering with opulence, through a door covered with carved roses and into a large, red room bedecked with flowers and petals of white, gold and black. He lay spread-eagle on the soft bed, smacking his lips and watching the ceiling spin like a fairground attraction. He felt a cold little hand pressed against his forehead, and a pale, feminine face wheeled above him, softly out of focus.
‘Are you all right?’
‘Mmmmff…’
Long, sleek hair brushed over his face.
‘Poor thing. Let’s see if we can’t make you a little more comfortable…’
Hank felt his boots come away from his feet and his belt become loose.
And that’s when he blacked out.
-x-
It was barely dawn when he came to. Gasping, he tried to sit up, but was forced back down to the mattress by the surging tide of nausea that hit his belly and sudden burst of excruciating pain behind his eyes. He was cold. He looked down at himself and saw that he was naked.
Oh no, no, no…
There was a stirring next to him and a woman sat up in the bed, draping gossamer sheets over her curves, coquettishly.
No, no, no, no…
Zinn pushed an unruly lock of dark hair behind her ear and smiled at him.
‘Good morning, my King.’
No, no, no!
‘You have no idea,’ Zinn continued, ‘how happy you’ve made me. I didn’t dare to think that you could learn to love me.’
Hank blinked hard at the ceiling. Unfortunately, when he looked back to his side, Zinn was still there. ‘Zinn… look… I’d had a lot to drink last night… it would be unfair of me to say that I… that I…’
‘You do love me…?’ fretted Zinn, ‘what we did last night, that was an act of love, was it not?’ She worried a lock of hair between her long fingers. ‘You will marry me? You will not leave me sullied and unwed? What man would want me then?’
‘Zinn, you’re beautiful, you’re sweet natured, you’ve got your own Kingdom for pity’s sake. You can’t believe you’ll be left on the shelf just because you won’t be a virgin on your wedding day…’
‘That’s it, isn’t it?’ interrupted Zinn, ‘that’s why you won’t marry me. Ah me, I should have waited, I knew I should have waited, but I love you so much.’
‘Hey. It’s not… it’s not… Geez, I mean last night… it was my first time too, you see, which is part of the reason why I wish…’ he pinched his stinging eyes. ‘I wish I could remember any of it, but I’m afraid I don’t. Not one second.’
Zinn’s lip quivered. ‘You don’t even remember?’
Hank shook his head. ‘My first time and I can’t remember a moment of it. That’s kinda sad.’
‘It was that little to you.’
‘No! No, it isn’t that, not one bit. What I mean is, we’re in the same boat here, Zinn, And if I’ve got no reason to worry that nobody’ll ever want to settle down with me now, well neither have you.’
‘I am a woman,’ sighed Zinn. ‘Unchaste and unmarried I’m worth nothing in this land.’ She dabbed her eyes with the edge of her sheet. ‘I will be ruined. Humiliated. Sent into exile, and my people will have to endure the tyranny of my wicked brother.’
Hank sat up, frowning, and began to search for his clothes.
‘My love…?’ stammered Zinn, ‘you’re leaving?’
‘I…’ Hank pulled on his leggings, fighting back the headache and the sickness. ‘I need to think, OK?’
‘Of course.’ Zinn watched the blond youth leave her chamber stoically. She didn’t allow herself to grin until he’d closed the door behind himself.
-x-
Eric felt himself being none too gently kicked awake by a furry boot.
‘Hey c’mon. Up and at’em.’
‘What?’ He opened a bleary eye. ‘It’s not morning ‘til all the suns are up. You can wake me up then.’
‘We only stopped because Bobby needed to rest, Eric. But he’s ready to go now.’ Diana gave him another kick. ‘Up.’
‘Good for Bobby,’ replied Eric. ‘And when I’m ready to go, I’ll tell you.’
Diana squatted down to Eric’s level. ‘Sorlarz reckons we don’t have long to get to Hank. Every second counts. Outta the goodness of his heart he’s taking us another way round to Zinn’s palace so that we’re less likely to run into any trouble, but it takes longer so we gotta leave. Right now! Now, do I have to set fire to your hair again or are you gonna get up?’
Eric pulled a face and grudgingly got up. ‘How comes Sorlarz knows so much about the Kingdom of Zinn, anyway?’ he yawned. ‘I thought he was just some swamp creature.’
‘I don’t know,’ replied Diana. ‘I’m just sure grateful that he does.’
Eric fiddled to set his cape straight, watching the newcomer worrying over the Thief, who was sitting glumly on a rock, staring into the middle distance.
‘Spends a lot of time around Sheila, doesn’t he?’
Diana cast a careful eye over Sorlarz for a moment before replying. ‘He’s probably just worried about her. Because she’s so upset.’
‘Riiiight…’
‘But we know how to stop her being upset, don’t we?’
‘Get her Dreamboat back?’
Diana turned from him to gather the group together. ‘Don’t make fun.’
Eric followed her, cracking his knuckles. ‘But it’s what I do best, Sweetcakes.’
‘Call me that again and you’ll be singing Soprano for the rest of your days.’
-x-
Hank stopped at an ornamental fountain, and sighed, and turned back towards the palace again. It was the fourth time that he had walked halfway through the gardens, stopped, sighed and turned back. He wasn’t sure whether he really was just ‘pacing the grounds’ or whether his feet, like his mind, were trying to decide what it was they should do. His friends needed him. Of course his friends needed him, they all needed to get home… although on the other hand, Diana was just as good a leader as he was, he was sure of it. Maybe even better. She’d simply conceded to Hank when they’d arrived in the Realm since the others had automatically looked to him, not her. Zinn was rich, powerful and beautiful, she couldn’t possibly really need some dumb kid to marry her… although on the other hand he had no idea of her country’s customs. She seemed to keep her country well, it appeared prosperous and her subjects well-fed and happy looking. Could he really leave her, leave all of this to fall into ruin just because he’d been stupid and selfish?
He dug his hands into his pockets. Yes. He’d been so very stupid and selfish, no better than some of those foul, braying chauvinists on his football squad, eyeing up cheerleaders and getting girls drunk at parties. He remembered despairing of them as they bragged, and, yes, even feeling superior to them, and now he was just as bad as they were. Unless he did the honourable thing.
The Honourable Thing.
He paused again at the castle door, then stepped inside. A concerned looking Page met him.
‘Are you ready, Master Hank? The congregation are waiting, and your bride has been ready now for some minutes.’
Hank fiddled with his fur-trimmed ceremonial cape, awkwardly. ‘Ready as I’ll ever be.’
-x-
Something made Diana decide to break into a jog once the palace was close. She’d been growing more and more concerned as they’d passed through the Kingdom of Zinn. Nobody was working. The inns that they passed all appeared to be full of people cheering and singing. The streets on the outskirts of town were empty save for the occasional drunk and rather a lot of bunting. So far she had seen five hurriedly painted signs outside shops boasting of ‘Commemorative Cuppes, Playtes, Thymbels, Miniature Flagges’, although when she’d tried to enter the first two to see what exactly the nick-nacks were supposed to commemorate, she’d found the doors locked. It was ominous.
She heard quiet grumbles from Eric and Presto as they struggled to keep up with her, Sheila, Uni and the still-wobbly Barbarian fell behind her but at least didn’t complain. There was a whining huff of a creature labouring to breathe by her shoulder. When she turned her head she saw that Sorlarz was just about managing to match her speed.
‘You are running,’ he pointed out, needlessly. ‘You are concerned.’
Diana nodded.
‘As am I,’ continued Sorlarz. ‘The level of celebration here would only usually be seen at the Great Harvest, which is not yet for several months.’
‘What else could it be?’ Diana asked, dreading the answer.
Her fears were not allayed when Sorlarz met her eyes nervously. He was frightened too, really frightened.
‘A Royal Marriage.’
‘No…’ breathed Diana, quickening her pace.
‘What did he say?’ Cried Sheila from behind them.
‘I did warn you,’ replied Sorlarz, ‘about her Ways…’
‘Dammit!’ Diana’s jog turned into a sprint. She didn’t have time to wait for the others. If she had to go in on her own to stop it, that’s what she’d have to do. Hank had obviously been hypnotised, that was it. Or had some sort of spell put on him. It was the yellow eyes, that was it. When were they going to learn to stop trusting strangers with yellow eyes?
-x-
‘It may already be too late,’ called Sorlarz after her.
‘What?!?’ yelled Sheila, out of breath, ‘too late for what? Is Hank in trouble? What’s going on?’
Sorlarz let her catch up with him, and then took her hand, tenderly. He gazed into her eyes sadly and opened his mouth to speak.
Bells began to chime – scores of them, all over the palace. They turned a corner and found themselves in a straight, wide road running up to the palace. The bunting was thicker here, and the street was lined with people and flowers. Petals and cheers filled the air. The people were waving Miniature Flagges.
Sorlarz didn’t need to say anything. There was a large, badly painted banner of a bride and groom above the palace door. Crudely drawn as he was, the man in the painting was very familiar. Sheila didn’t scream, didn’t cry. It was as if she had suddenly found a great well of adrenaline deep inside her. She pitched herself forwards into a sprint so fast that she actually overtook Diana. This time, it was the Acrobat’s turn to struggle to keep up as Sheila took the stairs to the main door two steps at a time, not stumbling once. She hurled herself through the main doors, dodging past the unready guards, heading for the beautifully cut crystal doors of the main hall. They should have slammed open dramatically as she hit them, but they didn’t. They stayed resolutely shut – a thick, transparent wall between her and Hank’s fractured image as he stood with some goldplated woman at the other end of the aisle beyond.
An old woman, seated next to one of the doors, looked up at her with a dim smile. ‘Door’s locked, love. Invitation only. This is Her Majesty’s wedding, after all.’
Sheila watched, shaking and helpless, as the shining woman at the altar turned and smiled at her Hank. The adrenaline was still pounding through her body with nowhere else to go. She pounded her fists against the crystal doors and screamed.
‘Hank! HAAAANNNKKK!!!’
-x-
‘What the…?’ Hank turned towards the closed doors at the far end of the hall at the sound of his name. Sheila. It was Sheila. For the briefest moment his heart leapt at seeing her, and then he remembered the circumstances she was finding him in, and he just wanted to crawl into a deep, dark hole.
‘Who is that Wench?’ demanded Zinn, harshly.
‘She’s my friend. My friends are here.’
Zinn watched as the red headed girl was joined by the dark girl from earlier, who restrained her from the door, as well as her other prospective suitors, a small boy, a unicorn foal and… Oh Dark Gods, no. No! Why had they not mentioned that they were in league with Sorlarz?
‘What are they doing here?’
‘They’re my friends,’ repeated Hank.
Zinn ignored him. ‘Where are my Stalkers? Where are my guards? Somebody, seize them!’
‘What? No! They’re my…’
Zinn grabbed Hank’s arms, desperately. ‘How do you know that creature with them? Do you not know who he is?’
‘Sorlarz?’ Hank blinked. ‘He helped us. He looked after Bobby when he was sick…’
‘He is a very, very evil Sorcerer,’ interrupted Zinn. ‘He has probably bewitched your friends. Even they cannot be trusted if he has been with them.’
‘Hey.’ Hank’s expression darkened, and he prized Zinn’s fingers from his arms. ‘I trust my friends, OK?’
‘You’re going to have to trust me from now on,’ replied Zinn, ‘after all, I am your wife!’
‘Not yet, Zinn.’
The Bishop coughed politely to attract their attention back onto himself. ‘Your Majesty? Is everything all right?’
‘Yes. Wonderful.’ Zinn waved a dismissive hand towards him. ‘Proceed.’
The elderly Bishop nodded, and with a serene smile continued to speak.
‘It is a bond that will last until the end of your days, a bond of friendship, of faith, of affect…’
There was an almighty crash. Zinn span around just in time to see her magnificent door collapse in a torrent of sparkling shards. The small boy with the group of intruders stood unapologetically in the centre of the destruction, a large club still glowing with magical force in his hands. She could not even have the satisfaction of seeing the damned mob cut to shreds by the sharp fragments of the door as the dark youth that she’d considered seducing rolled his eyes and held his shield aloft, creating a protective dome over the group. The needles of glass merely bounced harmlessly off it.
‘My door!’ cried Zinn, ‘What have they done? Why has nobody seized them yet? There is a distinct lack of seizing going on here!’
The dark girl strode forward. ‘Stop the wedding! The groom’s been hypnotised!’
The congregation gasped and stared at Hank.
‘No I haven’t,’ protested Hank.
‘He’s been hypnotised to say that,’ added the red haired girl.
‘No, I…’ Hank took a step towards the pale girl. ‘Sheila, please don’t do this. I have to go through with this wedding. I was…’ He looked down at his feet, miserably. ‘I was weak and stupid. I made a mistake and now I gotta set it right.’
‘See?’ Beamed Zinn, ‘he marries me of his own free will.’
‘He doesn’t look all that happy about it, though,’ noted the young wizard.
Sorlarz shuffled towards Hank, and Zinn backed away, angrily.
‘Sorlarz, you are exiled from this place, never to return!’ She looked around wildly for her guards, her Stalkers - anybody. ‘For the last time, will somebody please seize them!’
‘What was it, Ranger?’ Sorlarz asked the Blond bridegroom. ‘Why is that you must marry this woman today? Whisper to me.’
Hank stared at Sorlarz for a second, and then whispered unhappily into his ear.
Sorlarz stood back, blinking. Then Zinn saw it – that little smile of victory he used to give her back when they were warring children.
‘Stop the wedding!’ announced Sorlarz.
The Bishop, who had been happily eulogising away throughout the disruption, trailed off into silence. ‘Is… is there a problem?’
‘The Sovereign of this Kingdom cannot marry this boy,’ grinned Sorlarz.
‘What?!?’ snapped Zinn.
‘As I understand it, everything is in order,’ muttered the Bishop, ‘he is of the right age to Sire an heir, he has passed the Trial Of The Worm, he is chaste…’
‘He is not,’ replied Sorlarz. ‘The law of this country states that the Monarch or heir to the throne must, no matter the gender, be wed to a virgin. And if this young man’s story is to be believed, he has already been plucked.’
‘What?!?’ exclaimed Sheila, shrilly.
‘I’m sorry, guys,’ mumbled Hank at the floor, ‘it was a terrible, terrible mistake…’
‘Nevertheless,’ continued Sorlarz, ‘it means that the marriage cannot take place. It is null and void.’
Zinn darted a glance at the Bishop. He shrugged and found an empty spot on a pew where he could sit down. She was so close! Perhaps if she could just get the ceremony finished before her groom could do anything about it…
‘Continue with the ceremony!’ cried Zinn.
‘But…’ began the Bishop.
‘The boy is still a virgin,’ explained Zinn, hurriedly. ‘He was drunk last night. He collapsed in a stupor. I undressed him and gave him a bed for the night, and he must have assumed that we…’
‘You told me!’ Spluttered Hank. ‘You told we that we… did stuff…’
‘Women lie,’ Zinn told him, curtly, grabbing his arm. ‘Get used to it.’
‘So…’ attempted the Bishop, confused, ‘you did lie to your husband, but you are not lying now?’
‘That’s right,’ seethed Zinn, ‘get on with it!’
‘Well,’ bumbled the Bishop, ‘I’m not entirely sure that I’m comfortable with…’
‘Will you just say “Man And Wife” before I have you thrown in the dungeon, old man?’
‘Man And Wife!’ gasped the Bishop.
‘What?!?!?’ exclaimed nearly everybody.
Zinn threw back her head and laughed a real, full throated laugh. ‘I win!’ She proclaimed, ‘I Win, I Win!!!’ She pointed cruelly at Sorlarz. ‘My marriage binds my spell on you! It is complete, and you will be a vile creature forever!’
‘Not yet…’ muttered Sorlarz.
Hank pulled his arm away from Zinn and backed away from her. ‘You weren’t in love with me at all, were you? You lied to me. Why did you do it?’
‘An oversight of mine,’ replied Zinn with an arched eyebrow. ‘My spell on Sorlarz here could not be complete unless I were a true Monarch, and in this Kingdom you cannot be a true Monarch if you are unmarried. You were of the right age, worthy enough, a virgin who had passed the trial of the worm. You were a snap decision.’ She indicated disinterestedly at Eric. ‘I could just have seduced your friend over there just as easily.’
‘No you couldn’t…’ tutted Eric.
‘Wait a minute…’ Zinn paused, backtracking. ‘What did you say, Sorlarz?’
‘You’re still not married,’ smirked Sorlarz.
‘This is true, Majesty,’ stammered the Bishop. ‘The marriage is only bonded once it has been sealed with a kiss.’
Zinn snarled in irritation. ‘This stupid country and its laws! Fine, then.’ She lunged at Hank, but he jumped away from her.
‘You’re kidding, right?’
‘Just kiss me and this will all be over.’
‘No way! I don’t love you, Zinn. I never have and I never will. You’re a horrible woman. You’re… you’re real ugly on the inside, you know that?’
‘As if that matters.’ Zinn managed to grab one of Hank’s arms and pull him towards her. ‘Just kiss me, you boring, boring boy!’
A fist flew in out of nowhere, hitting Zinn hard on the nose. There was a crack, and Zinn fell back, stunned. She collapsed into a row of guests, clutching her nose, which streamed blood.
Several hundred people turned to stare at the guilty fist, then along the arm to the equally shocked face of the pale young woman who had attacked the Queen.
‘I…’ stammered Sheila, ‘I… I didn’t mean to… I didn’t think, I mean, I never…’
Hank wordlessly put an arm around her trembling shoulder.
‘I mean,’ continued Sheila, ‘it’s just so… unladylike…’
‘You’re ten times the Lady she is, Sheila,’ Hank breathed.
‘OK…’ interrupted Eric, ‘we just crashed a Royal Wedding and Sheila punched out the bride in full view of a couple of hundred witnesses, many of who are armed. Who else thinks we should get outta here as fast as we can?’
Zinn scrambled and struggled to get to her feet. ‘If I have to say “Seize Them” one more time…’
‘Your minions will not listen to you this time, Zinn.’
Zinn’s mouth fell open in surprise. She looked down to the owner of the quiet, calm voice that had spoken. The Bishop looked up at her strangely. There was a look in her eyes that she’d never seen before. It wasn’t defiance. It was contempt.
‘How dare y…’
‘How dare you, Zinn? Did you really think I’d let this go ahead?’
Zinn squinted at him. ‘Who are you?’
The Bishop sat back in his pew. ‘You will let them go.’
‘I beg your pardon?’
‘Let them go and be grateful. This is the best way it could have turned out for you.’ The Bishop beckoned to her. Despite herself, she leaned in to him.
‘I had hoped,’ whispered the Bishop harshly, ‘that your foolishness might have lead to your comeuppance today. Perhaps under different circumstances it may have done. But you must certainly be aware that in taking any one of those Young Ones you would bring the most terrible misfortunes upon yourself. You would take one of the Dungeon Master’s pupils from him? You would be the wife of a sworn enemy of Venger? You are very, very small pieces in this game, Zinn. Consider that.’
Zinn looked up from the Bishop, shocked. Her almost-husband and his group were standing warily in the middle of the aisle, weapons readied. She set her face.
‘Go.’
‘Huh?’
Zinn folded her arms. ‘Get out. Don’t come back.’
‘Don’t worry,’ growled Diana.
Hank nodded at Sorlarz. ‘Are you coming with us?’
Sorlarz gazed at Hank, his arm still firmly around Sheila. She clung to him, her cheeks wet with tears. So glad to be in his arms – so very grateful to have him back. Bugger.
‘No,’ replied Sorlarz, ‘I will be fine.’
‘Well,’ shrugged Hank, ‘if you think that’s best…’
‘I do,’ said Sorlarz, still sadly watching them.
The youngsters turned and slowly left the hall, still warily eyeing the guards.
The Magician nudged the Cavalier as they left.
‘Do you think,’ he muttered, ‘that Bishop was really the Dungeon Master?’
‘Who knows, Presto,’ sighed the Cavalier, ‘after the last couple of days I don’t even know if I’m me any more.’
The Acrobat, passing, pinched the back of his neck.
‘Ow!’
‘Yep, still you all right.’
The Barbarian caught up with Hank and Sheila. ‘Hey Sis, that was awesome!’
‘You didn’t see nothin’, Bobby,’ warned the Thief.
‘Sure I did!’ enthused the child as their voices faded away under the confused murmur of the congregation. ‘She was all “C’mere an’ kiss me, Hank,” and you were all like “I don’t think so, Slut,” and she was all like “well what are you gonna do about it?” and then you were all “Bash! Kapow”…’
Zinn turned back to the Bishop. ‘Well maybe now you’d care to explain…’
But the Bishop was gone. Zinn sighed and surveyed her wedding venue – door destroyed, guests appalled, groom and preacher absent. Her brother had gone to the door to watch the youths leave. For want of anything better to do, she picked her way over the shattered crystal to join him. She sat on the step next to him as her guards hurriedly ushered the disappointed peasants away from the palace road. She could still just about make out the retreating group of adventurers. She fiddled with her nose. It was still wet with blood.
‘Think that bitch broke my nose.’
‘You’re expecting sympathy?’
Zinn smirked. ‘You liked her, didn’t you?’
‘I hope, one day, you will experience love, Zinn,’ replied Sorlarz. ‘I hope you feel its sting.’
‘That’s unlikely.’ Zinn paused. ‘So. Here we are again. Square one.’
‘Not exactly. You still have the upper hand, for now. But why do I feel that it will be a long time before you really do manage to marry a suitable man?’
‘Why do I feel that it will be a long time yet before you find a way of breaking my spell?’
There was another pause.
‘That Bishop was the Dungeon Master,’ said Sorlarz, ‘wasn’t it?’
‘Probably,’ replied Zinn. ‘If it’s any consolation, it sounds like he’s on your side now.’
‘What difference does that make?’ asked Sorlarz. ‘He would never interfere in our game.’
‘We are very, very small pieces in his,’ added Zinn.
‘Still.’ Sorlarz got to his feet. ‘Nice try.’
‘You too,’ conceded his sister. ‘Better luck next time.’
Sorlarz began to walk down the steps. ‘Enjoy your fineries while they last, little sister.’
Zinn leaned back on her elbows and watched him leave. ‘I will, dearest brother. I will.’
-x-
The End.
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