The
Virtual
Realm

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Home and the Heart

 

I know this is going to be horrible. It’s going to be one of the worst things I’ve ever had to do. I don’t want to be here. But it’s my brother’s engagement party, and I can’t avoid it this time.

Reminding myself of that fact as I walk into the restaurant doesn’t help, and for a moment I want to turn on my heel and walk straight out.

How am I going to face them? Ok, so some time has passed, but I don’t think either of them will have forgiven me for what happened on their Big Day. And even if they have it would be because of pity. They have what I don’t: money; good looks, good jobs, good lives. Each other.

I hate this. Each time I see them I end up like this, and it doesn’t get any easier as the years pass. The last time we were to meet, I managed to avoid it without arousing their suspicion; I work long hours and odd shifts at the mart so it wasn’t too much of a lie. Fortunately for me, the reunions are getting less and less frequent. Hank and Diana have moved away, so had Presto, and Eric is away on business so much of the time. Only Bobby stayed close to his old home, but I suspected that that situation wasn’t going to last long, not now he’s going to have his own family.

I am the last to arrive. I go over to the group with a fixed smile on my face, trying to look happy. Presto is always the one who takes my arm and kisses me on the cheek. He smiles at me without the discomfort that Hank has, or the conceit of Eric. He’s the one I would talk to, if I were ever going to tell them my Secret.

The greeting is perfunctory, I know she is uncomfortable at my presence, as is Hank, but there’s not much we can do about it. Bobby engulfs me in a bear-hug but Terri greets me more gently, as if I might break.

I take my place at Bobby’s side, and let the vibrant conversation resume without butting in. I don’t feel that I have anything to add.

Now we are all back together, and in spite of what’s gone before, it feels natural. The six of us together feels right; Terri’s presence doesn’t change the feeling. She’s not an outsider.

But I don’t like it.

It’s a reminder of our days back in the Realm; the closeness we all shared. At the time it was a feeling that I liked. It strengthened me knowing my friends were always there with me, to help me and to let me help them, but now the closeness and shared history just makes me feel even more uncomfortable.

The waiters dance around us, bringing food and wine without end. I eat and drink without worrying how I’m going to pay for it, hoping that it will distract me.

My discomfort grows the longer I spend in their presence. I can’t stop thinking about our last moments in the Realm.

I should tell them.

Then they might understand. Then they might not hate me quite as much as they do; but maybe they would hate me more, I don’t know, I can’t take the risk. This is the perfect opportunity to tell them the truth.

This happens every time I see them all together, but each time passes with my Secret still untold. And each time it grows more difficult to keep quiet, but harder to actually take the decisive step and tell them.

So I don’t say anything. I don’t listen to the conversation much; I know Eric and Hank are busy discussing options and stocks; she is talking to Presto while Bobby and Terri are just staring into each other’s eyes, lost in love’s young dream!

I wonder why I came. Bobby is my brother, yes, but it feels like I’m just spoiling everything, and that I’m in the way. Everyone has changed, except me; everyone has moved on except me. 

I’ll go back home to my one room flat on the far side of the city, eat my food from the takeaway and sleep until my next shift starts. That’s all. That’s my life. There was a time when I was the one at the top of the world, but now…I can’t hold a candle to her anymore. She’s still beautiful, and slim, and toned and pretty well everything that I’m not.

I hate her.

I can’t even look her in the eye. She has it all, everything that I should have had.

Across the table, I cast a sly glance in Hank’s direction. He always was good-looking, but he’s grown more handsome with age. He’s a doctor now, his own practice and everything. They live in a nice, big house somewhere down the coast. I’ve never been there, but Bobby was there every second day for a before he and Terri hooked up, and he told me all about it. It sounded wonderful.

Presto sees my gaze and gives me a tiny, consoling smile. He understands what it’s like to loose the one you love; he never did get to see Varla again once we’d left her village. I know he had intended to return, but barely a week afterwards we were home.

It’s different with Hank and I. All the time we were in the Realm we never talked about it, but we knew. I’d loved him from a distance for the whole time; I loved him when we got home and ever since.

But that wasn’t enough. She got in the way.

We were home. As the Child of Light, she had the power and the portal home opened at her command.

Afterwards, she was different. She was in mourning for her lost love, the man she’d left lying on the steps of the Temple, back in Turad, back in the Realm. She needed someone to talk to. I was the obvious choice and I’d tried to help, I wanted to but after what I’d done, I couldn’t. How could I comfort her, knowing I’d caused her so much pain?

But she still needed someone; someone who’d been in the Realm with her and understood. It could never have been Bobby or Eric; it might have been Presto but for the fact that the loss of Varla was so fresh in his mind. There was only one person left. Only Hank.

I knew they were close, like brother and sister. She was his second-in-command. He admired her strength and skill, though not as leeringly as Eric did.

And so, that was that.

Before I even knew what had happened they were engaged. And everyone else was so nauseatingly happy for them, even Eric! Even Bobby!

Kosar was forgotten. I was forgotten. There was only her and Hank.

I hadn’t spoken to either of them since; not a real conversation anyway, just a passing hello from a safe distance.

Suddenly, Hank is standing, smiling down at Bobby and Terri paternally, and the table goest quiet. I look at him, still in love despite everything, and tears well in my eyes.

She’d taken away my love, and she’d taken away my life as well. How could she have done that to her best friend?

But then…

But then wasn’t I even worse? I had knelt by the side of a dying man, the man Diana loved, and said nothing. Behind me the portal glowed with life and the promise of home.

Bobby was so young. He had almost lost Uni just days before; his hatred for Venger grew more bitter every day. He needed to go home; he needed Mom and Dad and their guidance. I was so afraid for him, and afraid of what he might become and afraid I wouldn’t be able to help him, or control him. I needed them too. I missed them so much.

One of you must choose between home and the heart, that’s what the Old Man had said.

I look to one side, at my brother as he smiled at his bride to be and feel sick, but I manage to raise my glass anyway. For a moment my hand shakes so much that I think I might drop it; no doubt Eric would have poked fun for wasting expensive champagne. I tighten my grip, and drain my glass at the appropriate point.

And that’s it.

That’s all. After all the worry and the discomfort, it’s almost a let down.

With the toast, the others start to drift off. Eric goes first, picking up the cheque as he goes, never the one to be the last to leave. Bobby and Terri go next, holding hand and grinning secretively to each other. Hank and Diana go moments later, perhaps worried that they would be left alone with me.

But Presto stays, and he waits by my side as I watch them leave.

He understands something about what I’m feeling, though he doesn’t know the reason. As I watch the door close, I find myself almost over whelmed by the need to tell him what I did; that I let Kosar die so we could go home.

Had this been eight years ago, I think I would have told him. Instead, I open my mouth, but the words don’t come out.

Then he kisses my cheek once and is gone as well.

That’s it. The evening is over and I’m alone again but the pain inside doesn’t subside, not this time. I sense that I’ve missed my chance, and that my Secret will always be with me.

Choose between home and the heart… I thought it was Diana’s heart. So I chose home.

But I lost my heart instead.

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